Sunday, April 29, 2007 | 9:25 PM

Du Lanz@Office

Stuck in office currently....needed an avenue to rant...all thanks to stupid HR for making me rush all the way down for ntg just becaus they dont even have the basic courtesy to inform us earlier that meeting is cancelled. Wad the hell....feeling super pek chek cas i got so many things to do and so little time...even trying to order lunch in is also suay cas they actually close on a monday!Deadlines all come together one by one...its swamping me...seriously i feel stupid....shdn haf wasted time the night before yday sticking those tinny mosaics one by one into a little secret code thinking that it would make the receiver happy when given during the supposingly steamboat dinner today...ended up all i got was a 'see how it goes'....if i had noe earlier den i wont even haf rush 3hrs and spend the time doing the bloody roster so I wont be in such a pathetic state now...been trying to fork out time as and when i can to hang out yet i think things just dont feel the same anymore...someone has been acting weird ever since the arguement and im urghhzz??@!!!#...

Thursday, April 12, 2007 | 5:54 AM

Drainedz

Im worn out...feel so totally drain with all energy being sucked to duno where...during times like this is when i feel every single inch of me is gone...being totally sold as a slave to work...i feel it overpowering me, taking control over my life such that there isnt an individual me anymore... am turning into someone with work hanging over my head constantly...i wonder how long more can i take it...i wonder if the opportunity cost of giving up working in a line i like in exchange for a peace of mind and regular rest time is worth it anot....will i be happier doing something i dont like but i'll still have a regular life like the normal OL with regular 9 to 5 jobs? He's right...i dont have a life that is called my own now...even on my supposing off days there isnt any real rest for me cas i'll still be constantly bugged by work...where did my life went to? i cant seem to rem a day whereby its my off day and i have a proper rest w/o killing half my brain cells and thinking of work...its like a shadow looming around my brain...i cant rem when was the last time i had a ME time, a private time for myself...i actually lost personal time to spend time with myself...thats real pathetic isnt it? i feel im being suffocated, dropping into the vast abyss of a bottomless cliff....i wan to get away from all these....need some personal time to be alone and reflect on myself, my actions and its consequences be it on myself or on others....i need to get away...shd have gone to TW... i need to have ME time....seriously...i really do...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 | 10:31 AM

Reflections

I feel useless...like i cant seem to do anything right or im not good enough to make of do things right...like whatever things i cant solve or repond slower, someone else has already solved it for me even before i know something happened...it didn only happened one time time...i mean im glad i have a great mentor to help me out but its just that because she is so experienced and so competent in all the operational stuff that it looks even worst on me when i cock some things up or when she can solve things better for my staff than me...i dont think im that slow in doing things...probably slightly faster than the average people, yet, there are times when i feel im so super slow that i cant catch up with the pace and it leaves me panting like hell....sometimes i noe its my own fault for dilly dallying abit or procrastinating a bit, yet sometimes along the way when i feel i need to pause for a little while to catch my breathe, things just get snowballed....im not even allowed to pause or slow down and catch a breathe...all i need to do is to just slower my pace and it will result in me needing to run harder and faster than usual....am i happy with my job?am i happy in this line?? its a big yes to both questions and for those who noe me will also agree that this suits me plus the money is good...yet sometimes through rough patches, uncertainties will pop into my brain one by one....like am i really up to it? can i really handle the whole portfolio? one of the major portfolios outa the 3 divisions? i dont even know how the shit am i going to handle all the upcoming promotions and shows...its all starting next week and im panicking cas i'll be packed all the way till ard end july when GSS ends....3rd wk of apr a show at ogpp follow by major launch of ck perfume, 3 days at caltex hse during first week of may, launch of another ck follow by a minor promo then a major promo at taka and finally one or 2 more roadshows at hereen....even if the money will be super good, how am i going to survive?

During school days i part time and study at the same time, frens always call me a major workaholic cas everytime when i dont have sch there was a high chance i'll be at work...i wasnt a workaholic because i love working so much but its more to there is a need to work to feed myself...even though i was busy with school and work, it was never like this partly because work was flexible and partly because i know all these jobs will stop once i grad so there wasnt a need to be super committed...now im really turning into a major workaholic due to the job nature and somehow there is obviously a higher level of commitment plus i love and appreaciate this job even more cas there aint that many lucky few who can get to work in a job that you have interest in for your very first job...sometimes when i feel hardworking, i tend to totally throw myself in work and ignore other things and actually find it a satisfaction to do lotsa work and dont mind forsaking personal time...sounds sadist but true....i irritate myself sometimes with my contridictions...like i'll complain and whine to zeppy(most of the time) or phyllis about my workload and yet i still like what im doing....its madness.....i hate myself...hate my messy room with all piles and piles or paperwork....hate being taken lightly by staff sometimes...hate being nag by mum.....and the list goes on....

Haven being able to sleep well the past few days...cant rem how many days...keep waking up in the middle of the night or waking up at 2hr intervals or waking up at 7 in the morn when i suppose to wake up at 9 or 10 and start panicking for no reason....like suddenly just wake up feeling panicky...been having lots of dreams...sometimes mini nightmares...didnt understand why it suddenly happened till it suddenly hit me on the way home....probably its because its been a long time since i tok about what happened and it has been somewhere at the back of my mind hidden....now that its been refreshed, the 'aftershocks' starts coming back...all the hurt and pain during those times...that stupid half loaf of bread...the blood...the smell...the horror of seeing skin split into half and seeing the muscles, the thin layer of fats...the redness of raw flesh and me trying to pick out all the grass and everything on it...the memory of it all...its affecting me again...nt in details this time, but affecting my subconciousness by means of unsettled sleep... even like a short 1hr plus nap just now also result in dreams...its wearing me out...i need peaceful sleep...

To my special pillar of support....

I find myself horrified by what you said just now...felt slapped when you actually did that comparision, as in the way i was forever busy...it sux to know that im doing the same thing that i hate to someone else when i dont excatly realise nor think too much about my actions cas i really cant help it when there are so much last min work to be done esp when m job is famous to have last min things cropping up plus i tend to neglect other things when im thinking more of work...it wasnt something i do on purpose and it hurts to have that kinda tone used on me..i didn want it to be this way but i was afraid if there wasnt a meetup this week then it'll be much much harder to meet up once next week starts...sometimes i dont mention how much things i have to do for fear that you'll push me to do work when its forever neverending...no matter how i do it wont end cas there are always more that needs to be done...sometimes i wonder if i deserve or am worthy of you because you have always been around, be it lending me a listening ear for me to complain and whine about stuff, being able to tok cock and crap with me...for putting up with my nonsense and stubboness...doing all kinda sweet things, doting on me and treating me like a lil princess..yet most of the time im so preoccupied with work that i haven always been someone around....though i dont say it out, you haven been a great pillar of support all these while and letting me learn and see things in different light, different angles.... saying thanks alone cant justify all that you did....whatever it is, just to let you know that me heart heart you too ya? :p

Thursday, April 5, 2007 | 7:34 AM

Updates

Been wanting to update for quite sometime but totally not enough time to do so...now when i wanna blog also cant really rem what i wanted to blog about le...anyway it was interesting to do the sentosa event...my first time learning how to PR at these kinda event....felt weird though cas its something so foregin to me...and i really didn like it when that particular mediacorp guy hang around a while to talk cas i totally had NOTHING to tok to him about...weird to know that he's my age yet cannot communicate.....

Well now feel more scared by work bcas by next week I will be taking over the whole portfolio... dont know how am i going to handle everything sia...now im only taking 3 brands and its already quite hectic and terrible....7 brands i dont know how i will die...plus im still not sure about the other 4 brands stuff...haiz...

*lazy to update liao cas i cant rem...continue when i rem*