Monday, January 8, 2007 | 7:35 AM

Im tired of everythingz.......

Took MC today...really didnt want to take when i barely start work but seriously felt that even if i went to work i also wont be able to really concentrate and most probably give a dead fish face... anyway was already kinda sick before this so might as well go see....had a really bad time last night...really felt like i not only got verbally slap but literately verbally punched or stabbed in many places....yet all that was said last night gave me a very different perspective on things and it made me suddenly understand and realise a lot of things too....like why i keep thinking we have a communication problem but he dun seem to think that way and keep siam-ing when i tried to bring it up...or why he thinks im always making a fuss over this problem and i dont htink im making a fuss cas communication is impt in a r/s...or why so many of my frens feel that he takes me for granted and yet he dont seem to think so.....or y he seem to be cant be bothered with me, seem aloof....would haf think thro more stuff if only e stupid msn din hang n den din save everthing in history...now i oni can rem tt e stuff he said hurts like hell cas its like so accusing...like how he said tt i depend too much on him, say he always haf to take care of me n everything...say im slow and inefficient in doing things....e most dumb thing is he actually said he always try to meet me first before meeting his frens which i think aint very true lor....wad the shit...n i think apparently his idea of a r/s is to have someone to fit him, not someone to complement him or to strike a balance and come to a common point with that someone....cant understand what kinda mentality is that...it sounds so bloody selfish......

Seriously I think i really have enough of all these....im fucking hurt and sick with everything... especially with how he blew things up and fit me into the mould that others created years ago... i feel that it aint fair to me at all cas why is he comparing, labelling and linking me with the past? Ya i understand that past hurts and eveything will have a shadow on your present, i myself had the shadow too but its only when you learn how to walk out of those shadows that you will find release and be at peace...i did it though it wasnt easy...i learnt to let go of it and stop it from tormenting myself....so i dont c why is he still not letting go of the past and still holding onto it so bloody closely and enforcing everything to me? arghzzz.....

Its like everything is a total nightmare....everything is happening and changing too suddenly for me to take it and absorb....sometimes i just wish that i'll wake up from this nightmare and everything wont be so confusing again....or i'll slp and then somehow all e hurt and bad memories will suddenly vanish so i wont feel so bogged and burden by everything....yet i noe this wont ever happen....right now i juz wan to haf peace and be at peace with myself....block everything out and concentrate on work properly cas i cant afford to cock anything up... i need peace......i need to forget....cas what happen yday is still too raw, too fresh till it hurts, and i feel miserable, rotten, shittified, confused......and i feel like a whimp cas i feel so confused tt i was ready to burst out in tears when i was out alone....den i'll feel piss with myself cas i think im being stupid and so i contridict myself and den i feel shit and den e whole stupid cycle repeats... totally going bonkers....buay ta han wif myself......i hate this....