Saturday, December 9, 2006 | 8:48 AM

Thoughts....

Remembered that I left out some stuff in the previous post about horsing around at Roy's house...We actually wanted to take Jerry home after making him drunk and everything but ended up staying over since everyone except me and Roy were all totally pissed by the alcohol. The guys ended up drinking way past what they intended since Jerry was freaking lucky!!! He actually keep winning at all those cards games we played and ended up we drank more than him...anyway I didnt really fell asleep there so I just jumped at any sound I heard in case Jerry wakes up and puke again....so I knew who woke up and who slept all the way...well, both me and Zep woke up when Roy was going to work...both stoning and nua-ing halfway when Zep decided to go to the loo....I wanted to go too but went to the loo in the room since he went the one in e kitchen...the funniest thing was Zep started cursing and swearing cas he discovered that the toilet bowl was full of FLOATING SHIT mixed with toilet paper and it stinks like hell!!! Thank god I didnt went in! Anyway I was certain the poo poo was done by Ted since he was the only one who woke up halfway...it was freaking funny when we confronted him about it....his logic of not flushing the toilet was this - he couldnt flush all the stuff away so he decided to cover them up with toilet paper since the shit looks ugly and then wait a while more before trying to flush again....ended up he fell asleep so the shit was left like that for hours!!! Gross!!!! Think the toilet was kinda 'choked' since too many of them puked inside hahahah.......

On a more somber note, he went to Genting today with his friends and I couldnt confront him about the picture...I dont think Im being petty...the point is it just dont feel good when I see it in his friendster...thinking about him just makes me uncertain, confused and whatever negative thoughts one can associate....sometimes I seriously dont know if I still have the courage and preserverance or if I should push on after all this time...its like whats the point of pressing on when I dont really feel the reciprocation??? Too many thoughts swimming around and I cant really think straight....maybe it'll be easier to think properly if we can actually have some proper communication...his actions and words sometimes just contridicts each other...it really makes me wonder what am I to him...wonder if Im still important, still being cherished, still wanted...or maybe Im just a convenient form of entertainment, someone he goes to only when he needs help or when things are needed to be done or he needs some taking care of....I need answers...I really do...everything is getting harder and harder now....without answers its hard for me to decide what is the next step I should take...will this trip be the last??Really dont feel like going...totally no moodz....seriously, I think I enjoy myself more when Im with my own friends and I realised that they seem to care about me more than him...if so whats the point of having me around?? or izzit that me being around is the norm for him and he feels that we are stable enough to have nil changes? when he told me that our r/s is stable I really dont know to laugh or cry.....stable?? this is call stable?? if this is called stable then I dont know what isnt.......